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- The Passion of Raptor Jesus and the Road to Mormon Apostasy
- The Passion of Raptor Jesus and the Road to Mormon Apostasy by Raptor Jesus
- The Life and Ministry of Raptor Jesus
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ANd swearing can help you feel better, sort of, for a bit anyway.
If you are a prissy-Mormon you may want to think twice about reading this, first because of the swearing your virgin ears may not be used to it and because also when you learn truths that aren't discussed about your religion, you can't ever unlearn them again. For everyone else, it's a good read into one man's experience with Mormonism. This one pulled at my heart strings, although I did enjoy the satire and comedy parts of it. I know the pain of having a religion manipulate your thinking and create a world of illusions.
The author did a great job of describing what it is like being inside a cult. Douglas Freeman rated it it was amazing Jul 04, Annirose rated it it was ok Nov 19, J rated it it was amazing May 09, Jay rated it it was amazing Jul 30, RJ Ayres rated it really liked it Oct 27, Victoria Camille rated it really liked it Feb 21, Robert rated it it was amazing Aug 30, Ellen rated it it was amazing Dec 30, Buckle rated it it was amazing Jan 10, Jesus Jones rated it it was amazing Jul 05, Dan rated it really liked it Apr 01, Andrew Sharp rated it really liked it Nov 14, Dec 11, Kathi rated it really liked it.
Hilarious, profane, authentic autobiographical story. Michael rated it liked it Sep 04, Lane Sawyer rated it it was amazing Jul 14, Dogzilla rated it it was amazing Sep 19, Scott Butcher rated it it was amazing Dec 10, Mindy Maurer rated it did not like it May 14, Darrell Turner rated it it was amazing Oct 22, Lanette Thornock rated it really liked it Dec 27, Katy rated it it was amazing May 23, Alex Hansen rated it really liked it Jan 10, Helen rated it really liked it Feb 29, David rated it really liked it Jul 30, Erik Emmer rated it it was amazing Dec 13, Maggie Walsh marked it as to-read Nov 06, Elrond marked it as to-read Mar 23, Jill added it Dec 11, Amy added it Dec 08, Fauver added it Sep 16, And all of this was truly only possible thanks to Joseph Smith.
He was the one Heavenly Father selected to restore the priesthood in this dispensation. Giving pearl necklaces had been lost until that other great day when Joseph received the all the keys to the priesthood.
The Passion of Raptor Jesus and the Road to Mormon Apostasy
Now the accounts are somewhat confused about the details of the restoration. However, it doesn't really matter if there was just one personage, or if Joseph and Oliver were surrounded by the great men of the priesthood throughout time. All that matters is that Joseph and Oliver knelt in front of those men, had hands placed on their heads, and then they were shown how to give the gift of an eternal pearl necklace.
And they did it all for us.
The Passion of Raptor Jesus and the Road to Mormon Apostasy by Raptor Jesus
Posted by Raptor Jesus at 4: She accidentally kissed him on the lips. Dad reminded her that we kiss on lips with husbands and not daddy. Should I be worried!?! You, you angry, bitter, iron-rod-holding-hating, bigot. But, my heart hadn't been hardened enough by common anti-Mormon activities such as: I knew that praying about this issue was a good idea, is my point. Even having rejected the true gospel of Jesus fucking Christ, I still vaguely remember a scripture that says, "If any of ye, lack wisdom.
Expecially about smooching ye kids. Let them ax of god, who is totally kewl about explaining that shit and will make fun of ye NOT for axing. While anti-Mormons are the most evil people on the planet, non-members are just slightly less evil. If I were to stop in the middle of the office and kneel in prayer, coworkers would ask what in the fuck I was doing. Simply because they are evil. Furthermore, if I were to tell them, "I'm praying to see if it's ok that a father kisses her daughter to show affection," they would mock the shit out of me.
So, I went home, ate my dinner and had several mudslides before kneeling in prayer, which I have transcribed below: My dear, kind, Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for this day. And I'm especially grateful for all my blessings.
I'm grateful for the food that I just ate. Please bless the food even though I already ate it. I know I should have said a separate blessing for the food. But I didn't, ok? This one time canst thou please bless the food in my stomach that it may nourish and strengthen my body and do the good that it needs?
The Life and Ministry of Raptor Jesus
Also, please bless the hands that helped prepare it. Especially please bless the minimum wage worker most likely a single mom , who worked at the TGIF factory that premixed my mudslide. Sure, she didn't "technically" prepare it - the robot did. BUT she was the human eyes that made sure there wasn't a dead rat in my bottle. I'm also grateful for the evil anti-Mormons on the Recovery from Mormon message board.
Their hatred and persecution of thy one true church makes it abundantly clear that thy one true church is the one true church. Persecution always makes something more true. Kind of like when a fundamentalist bombs a KFC in the middle east. I know that KFC is clearly the one true fried chicken chain and the others Popeyes are just Satan worshipping fried chicken chains. Why else would someone bomb a KFC unless it were true? Anyway, now that I have sufficiently kissed thine sweeter-than-dessert-wine ass, I was wondering if it was ok for a daughter to smooch her father on the lips.
Now, to be clear to thee, I'm not talking tongue. This isn't, "May I make out with my daughter?
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Didst thou kiss Mary when thou didst fuck her? Or would that have been going "too far" and just gross? I look forward to thine response. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen. Posted by Raptor Jesus at Work was slow for me, which was good because I just wanted to be a sexy slug anyway. So I got tempted by the Adversary to check on the Freedom Forum peeps , and I did giveth into tempation. I learned a lot though. About how Satanosaurus is really controlling so much about the USA - probably controls most of Europe, but to be honest, I don't know if those posters know that there are other countries besides the US and Mexico.
Oh, except for Germany because that place once had some guys who went around telling everyone what they could and could not do, say, read, write. And that some people were inherently better than other people. I think those guys were called "General Authorities," I don't remember. It was about "not being quick to label other posters as apostates" instead of needing more paper towels.
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That thread turned into fights about personal revelation trumping the authority of the church and Satanosaurus leading people astray by using the exact same feelings that the Holy Ghost does in order to make evil, bitter, lonely apostates. Glad I don't have to worry about whether or not my feelings come from the Holy Ghost or Luciferatops when the feelings are exactly the same.
Now I know that all my feelings come from the Great Deceiver - especially all my happy feelings because they aren't truly happy feelings even though they feel like happy feelings. Posted by Raptor Jesus at 3: I was wearing all black, yea even my manties and wife-beater were black underneath my black collared shirt and black slacks. After I parked in the underground "garage" that was really just a network of passageways that connected the temple to the rest of the city It was originally installed so that the prophet could dispatch danites to murder apostates, but now the danites have been replaced with be-acned teenagers in ugly red vests waving you on to where you can park I ascended the escalators and my immediate thought was, "Fuck me, I need a drink.
Packed like a gay bathhouse full of homophobic Congressmen. The mall was also pretty neat to look at. And let me say that again for effect. The mall was 'pretty neat to look at. Mall was 'pretty neat to look at. There's some tiny creeks that tinkle through the mall and sometimes you have to walk over cute little bridges to get over them. And some of the stones on the ground have tracks in them. Like deer and raccoon tracks and shit. It's quite magical, like maybe you might go into the Disney store and there will be a deer in there yelling at the Cashier, "What the fuck do you mean you don't validate for parking????
I just spent 50 fucking dollars on princess shit for my kids who will most likely be shot by rednecks, and you can't even validate my fucking parking???